Resolving

All day, I've been thinking about resolutions.  Whether I want to make some, whether I've kept the ones I made last year, what they really mean.


Actually, I rarely make any New Year's resolutions.  They seem a set-up for failure, and I'm no longer into reaching for a goal as a destination.  I'm so much more interested in the journey as an end to itself, and I've found that the pursuit of an experience -- how will I feel if I experiment with working out every day throughout the holidays? what if I try to write three times a week for an hour? what would it be like to eat only veggies and fruit for a few days? can I soften my thoughts about something that's troubled me in the past? -- is often just as satisfying as reaching the "end" of a pre-determined goal.  


However, I went snooping through my dictionary to find something about the word "resolution" or its derivatives to grasp onto.  Here's what I found:


resolve - turn into a different form when seen more clearly (as in the orange glow resolved itself into four lanterns)


I had been thinking that "resolve" must mean "to solve again," and I wondered how I could "solve" my life again, or whether the New Year's renewal process was about providing new solutions to old challenges.  But I like the new definition so much better and it gets to the heart of what I want for myself in 2011.  When seen more clearly, I want to be transformed into the person/soul/being that I truly am, not just the woman/mom/wife/etc. that I seem to be from a distance.  


This has been a year of change, and if I truly allow myself the pleasure of seeing where I was last December as the calendar wound down 2009, it's very clear that Rafael and I were already in the throes of moving toward newness and growth before January 2010 arrived.  The challenges we faced - a new life in a new house in a new neighborhood with a new school - seem tiny compared to the loss of Max.


But, again working with the above definition of "resolve," we changed form when we were able to see ourselves more clearly.  Instead of feeling like we were outsiders in our new life, we immediately felt like we belonged here.  We didn't feel like we had left anything behind -- as I had feared that we would -- but instead moved toward the lives we had been chosen to lead.  And we continue to do that.


So that's my "resolution": to continue to move consciously forward in this life, the only one that I have.  Maybe it's presumptuous of me, but it makes me happy to wish the same for you, too.