The Emotional Weight of Weight Loss (or "Keep Calm and Transform On")

Me? In a frilly pink prom dress? YES!
How do you see yourself?
photo by Christine Rose Elle

Before I start, please "see" that I am holding both of my hands over my heart in gratitude to all of you for your support and encouragement of the past few posts I've written. Truthfully, my fear of putting myself out there so vulnerably nearly prevented me from sharing my story - and now it seems SO SILLY that I may not have written about my weight loss for fear that "no one" would understand it. 

As it turns out, many of you are right there with me in the trenches, trying to decide whether or not it's "time" to make thoughtful changes in your life, and the changes range from making healthier food choices to creating more meaningful relationships and discovering your true passions in work and life.  And so, as I've often learned and re-learned in my 41 years, we are never alone in our struggles. It only takes one person piping up to cause a ripple effect (which is why we must spread joy and inspiration, not negativity... but I digress; that's a topic for another day.)

Today, I want to address the emotional weight of weight loss, but you could substitute any sort of major transformation for "weight loss": the achievement of a major goal, a promotion, marriage, getting pregnant or having a baby, getting a fabulous new job opportunity, the beginning or ending of a relationship, moving to a new place, etc. The transformation does not need to be physical or outwardly dramatic; as someone mentioned at my yoga retreat, sometimes the greatest changes are not brought about dramatically (as with the death of a loved one), but occur slowly, quietly, and over a long period of time. For simplicity's sake, though, I will use my own weight loss as the springboard, but I encourage you to think about your own journey and the shifts you've experienced.

When I decided to start Weight Watchers, I didn't tell anyone. I didn't tell Raf, arguably my greatest cheerleader EVER, for at least a day. I also didn't tell my kids for a few weeks (and that wasn't my desire because I didn't want my "food hang-ups" to affect them negatively; instead, they noticed I was eating differently and I had to be honest with them about wanting to make better choices for my health). 

Why didn't I share my new lifestyle right away? For one thing, I didn't know if it would work. I didn't want anyone to look at me and ask about it, judge my food choices, tsk-tsk if I didn't lose weight. I didn't want to feel an "I told you so" coming on. (Of course, that was in my head... it's all in my head).

Also, I have to be honest: I was ASHAMED. As I mentioned in my first post about weight loss, I had already seen a nutritionist, talked to my doctor, joined gyms and fitness classes, and adopted a mostly vegetarian lifestyle (that focused on fruits and veggies, trying very hard not to fall into the "muffin-tarian" trap, in which non-meat-eaters rely upon baked goods and starches rather than "real" foods). I thought I knew what I had to do and yet... I was still "fat." (And, to be clear, by "fat," I mean my BMI number indicated I was "obese" for my height. Oh yeah, you read that right. Humbling, isn't it?) 

I kept beating myself up - I"m a smart woman. Why can't I do it on my own? I was shoulding all over myself: I should eat less, I should exercise more, I should be able to do this on my own... 

Well, my little Bodhisattva warriors, my true inner voice - the wise one, the nurturing one - was lost in the negative self-talk. Only now can I see that my body was holding onto - literally gripping within its extra pounds - the weight of old habits and stories. And they weren't TRUE. I had made them up, based on years of observations of those around me and fears and insecurities. It was so much easier to be unconscious,  to just go along with what I'd always done, to not rock the boat, to not stand up for my own life and health.

Of course it's easier! It's unconscious! 

I didn't have to think about anything. I let all those fears and insecurities decide for me. And those fears liked to eat chocolate cake. The insecurities didn't feel "good enough" for pricey, fresh, organic food. After long days with kids, I felt I "deserved" wine/chocolate/ice cream/chips/a big meal/an extra helping... 

*shaking my head*

No, what I DESERVED was a healthy, happy life free from fear and insecurity and ego-attachment to food.

(Can I please get an "amen"?)

Okay, so once I realized this basic desire - to take awesome care of myself - my WW journey really kicked up into high gear. I ate less, but what I ate *had* to be a better quality - it had to really *earn* my approval (meaning, if I was only going to treat myself to a tiny piece of chocolate, for example, it had to be the very best quality I could get, or else I'd skip it and save my WW points or calories). I started to feel better. I began to see success at the scale. I had to buy new clothes. 

I didn't want to talk to anyone (besides Raf, my WW group and my very closest friends) about it - it felt so private to me, this transformation I was undergoing - and the cool weather allowed me to cover up with bulky clothes and sweaters. But my face was thinner (even though I tried to cover that up with bangs and long hair, too) and my clothes began to hang on me. The more layers I lost on the outside, the more I felt myself building up a wall of self-esteem and self-worth on the inside.

So I was doing great on the inside... And then...

After losing about 20 pounds, people began to notice. And that's when the mind-tripping began. 

O.P.P. - Other People's Poop

Lovely, secure people say things like, "Wow, you look amazing. How do you feel? How did you do it? Yay you!" 

But some people can't let go of their own poop. Why people feel a need to impart their own "expertise" on others who clearly aren't asking for it, I don't know, but somehow my very personal transformation seemed to invite others to comment. The  most annoying comment I heard, over and over, was, "YOU LOST WEIGHT!" It was barked, like an accusation. Where was I supposed to go with that? Around this time, I also heard this one: "Are ya sick?" It came out of nowhere and the only thing I could manage to utter was, "No, I'm not, thanks."

Once I shared that I was on WW or that I'd changed my diet (because people have a very hard time understanding that I'd changed EVERYTHING - it was a lifestyle change, not a diet), even well-meaning friends and acquaintances would try to tempt me with foods I didn't want to eat or say, "But it's got flaxseed/peanut butter/yogurt/low-fat cheese/fat-free dressing/etc... It's healthy!" Some wouldn't take "no, thanks" for an answer or would take a moment to tell me about their past diet failures. "Oh, well!" they'd say and take a forkful of food, shrugging. 

Another strange comment is "You've got to stop losing weight! You'll get too skinny/wither away/your skin will sag!" Ugh. This one is tough. It's a rude comment disguised as a "compliment." Listen, you know your body. You will feel GOOD as you reach your health goals. If you exercise while you lose weight healthfully, your skin will not sag (I am living proof; and my arms look like Madonna's - ha ha!). This "too skinny" comment also implies that you can't stop yourself or that your body won't tell you what it needs or that you won't listen to it.

OPP began to overwhelm me. I couldn't hold space for their accusing words or angry energy. I felt like a sponge for all their failed expectations. It made me want to hibernate or continue hiding under big clothes or disown all the awesomeness I'd worked so hard to cultivate.

But I was only a little way into my journey - at that point, I still had at least 15 to 20 pounds that I wanted to lose. I couldn't stop working toward my goal - I felt sooo good on the inside! I had to learn how to deal with OPP or risk letting OPP derail my success.

More than anything, OPP is needless noise. Your own thoughts are hard enough to control and when you add in these crazy "opinions" from others, well, it's just plain nuts. Not only that, these "well-meaning" folks and their "helpful" comments might serve to make you doubt yourself. 

OPP tried to limit me.... But I was proving to myself that I had no limits. I could do anything, even take on my long-held beliefs about how I couldn't lose weight. 

And so, I took some deep breaths, talked to Raf and my best friends, and learned a few new things. In no particular order, here are a few things I've learned from my weight loss. Not all of them deal with OPP, but they may help you protect your own awesomeness during a time of heavy transformation.

A List of Things I've Learned

1 - People want you to succeed. No matter how awkward their comments may be, people love a success story because they want to see themselves in that light. If the comments are borderline mean, it is NOT personal. It just means they are not seeing YOU in all your awesomeness; instead, they are holding up a mirror to their own shadows and seeing failure. I have found that meeting these comments with compassion is the best remedy; if the person seems interested, I will tell her about WW and Kris Carr and plant-based eating.  If not, I smile and allow myself a graceful retreat.

2 - A support system is invaluable. You need at least one person in your corner when you embark upon a big change, to talk you off a ledge and cheer you on and share your successes. Once, when I ordered take-out and Raf went to pick it up, he saw a big order of french fries in my bag - yes, I'd ordered them as a "treat" without telling him - and he sent them back. I whined when he got home, but truthfully I appreciated his support; after all, he didn't know I ordered them and knew I didn't really want them. He had my back, even when I didn't. This is an area where WW excels - the meetings are a sanctuary of support and encouragement.

3 - Our society has an absurd, almost pornographic obsession with food. Don't believe me? Check out ads for fast food joints and really listen to the comments made on the Food Network (close your eyes for the full effect). It's all around us, as much as or even more than sexualized images of women in the media. Some foods are described as "better than sex" or "death by chocolate," etc. The old McDonald's motto of "You deserve a break today" comes to mind - but I doubt you really want a supersized dose of fat and sodium when you've had a hard day. And even the wonderful offerings at "artisanal" restaurants, butcher shops, food trucks, etc. don't support our actual hunger for a good life. I don't want to be a buzzkill Betty, but I can't buy into the hype anymore. I'd rather be "safe" and eat what I know will support my success. Often, that means eating at home, and I know it's not "fun," but you know what is? Waking up feeling GOOD, not bloated or puffy or with a sugar hangover. Take that, Ronald McD.

4 - The idea of deprivation is a fear of lack. When I thought about losing weight, I thought I'd have to "give up" all the foods I loved. WW definitely tells you NOT to give up what you love and I'd agree: if you deprive yourself, you will resent it. But at the beginning, I found myself obsessing over various foods - birthday cake, for one - and eventually I came to a big realization: I've had 41 years of eating birthday cake. I know what it tastes like. I really don't need to try it again to "remember" the taste. If I need a bite, I'll take one, but if I don't, I know it will be there again when I want it. It's not going anywhere.

5 - It's okay to say "no" to trigger foods and situations and start new habits. I had to train myself to recognize old habits flaring up and it has saved me. I sometimes decline invitations to dinner or I'll invite people over to my house so I can be in control of my food (and maybe expose them to a new way of eating). I carry snacks with me EVERYWHERE. I eat before I go out, so I'm not starving and looking at a menu of yummy food. I exercise my feelings (rather than eat them). I drink water instead of cocktails when I go out. I don't rely upon traditional foods to help me feel a holiday experience. I bring a "safe" dish to potlucks. I don't succumb to the peer pressure of eating or drinking; it doesn't support my success.

6 - We each have a remarkable body intelligence. Once you start eating to live (and not living to eat), your tastebuds will blossom and your stomach will stop you from eating recklessly. You'll be in control of your hunger, not the other way around. And that's real power, being in control of your life.

7 - You can start NOW. I have heard so many people say, "Well, I know I ought to watch what I eat, but I'm too busy/stressed/upset/etc. I'll start after the holidays/summer vacation/wedding/stressful event/etc." I have compassion for this remark, but the thing is: you eat every few hours, every day. There are hundreds of food choices to make each week, hundreds of opportunities to eat well. Saying that your health and your best life can wait is allowing yourself to go back to sleep rather than wake up to the possibility of a NEW LIFE, of NEW CHOICES, of being your BEST SELF!! Once WW told me what to do, I was on fire to do it. I couldn't wait to see progress and I jumped in head first. Changing your life isn't a toe-in-the-water kind of thing. It is a flame that engulfs you and makes you shine brighter. I was like, "Yes! Sign me up!"

And that's what I want for you: to shine bright like a bonfire of passionate living. 

Transformation isn't easy, but it is WORTH THE EFFORT!

Now tell me, how do you see yourself?

My Best Body Tips (or... "How I Lost 40+ Pounds in 8 Months")

via Pinterest

I'm super encouraged by the response from my last post; thanks to everyone who has taken the time to read it and reply or send a quick note to me. My heart is filled with your support - and I am ready to spread more inspiration.

Next time, I'll talk about the emotional side of my weight loss journey, but today I'll tell you about the actual nuts-and-bolts of how I was successful with Weight Watchers. Perhaps a list is in order.

Look, I'm no hero (thank you, Bradley Cooper from "The Hangover"). I'm not a nutritionist or doctor or motivational speaker and I don't work for WW. I won't pretend to be an expert on weight loss. However, if you're interested, these are simply things that work for me and I hope something in the list can inspire you, too:

1 - I follow the Weight Watchers program as directed. It is actually quite simple: you're given a number of "points" for each day (mine was 26). Each food has a points value (a number based on its fat, carbohydrates, fiber and protein). You "track" each food you eat, deducting it from your daily number of points. There are also some "bonus" weekly points (in my case, 49), which you are encouraged to use - they come in handy for special occasions or when your daily points allotment is just not enough and you're still hungry. You track all activity (again, each activity is given a number of points). If you go to Weight Watchers, they'll tell you all of this stuff and give you some nifty tools, too. I track every single thing online or with my iPhone app. 

(Side note: I love numbers and math, so the black-and-white details of my weight, food points, etc. on WW's e-tools thrill me. Charts, graphs... They're my best friends. They are just numbers, and it takes the emotion out of weight loss and I appreciate that. I'm a writer, but if I had to journal my feelings about food every day, I would tear my hair out. Some days, you just need a cookie and you don't wanna talk about it. On those days, you eat the cookie, enjoy it,  track it, and move on.)

2 - I eat a LOT of fruit and veggies. Most of them (** not corn and potatoes **) are "zero" points on WW, so guess what? Whenever I'm out of points or just feeling like I need something crunchy/sweet/more, I eat as much as I want. Bananas, pineapples, apples, carrots, cucumbers, celery, red bell peppers, salad greens... Week after week, I hear people in my WW meeting talk about how they won't allow themselves to eat bananas or carrots because those foods are "full of sugar." But you know what? I'd rather eat a banana or carrot - or SEVERAL - until my emotional hunger subsides than reach for chips or cookies or anything else later. Plus, fresh organic produce is YUMMY and is great for your "regularity." You know what I mean. (And if you don't, read #4 below.)

3 - I go to a weekly WW meeting. I reached my goal weight in late December (yes, during the holiday season) and I made "lifetime" (which means I maintained that goal weight for 6 weeks) in January. Technically, I only have to weigh in once a month, but I do still do it every week to stay on-track. I also like being in the room with other Weight Watchers to learn new tips and tricks to stay on-plan. I cry when people hit milestones and I offer support to people who are just starting out, or who are hitting a wall with their weight loss. The women who work at my meeting (including our INCREDIBLE leader) have created a safe sanctuary for all of us, coming from a place where they truly understand what we're going through. No matter what the scale says or what my previous week was like, I leave my meeting feeling renewed and inspired, ready to begin again. The meetings keep me focused on my goal to live a healthy, happy life. They are like a weekly "reset" button.

4 - POOP. I'm dead serious. Eating a healthy portion of lentils and beans most nights - with yummy veggies - ensures a healthy "regularity" in the bathroom in the morning. I know most people don't wanna talk about it - truth be told, I was squeamish about it when I read  "Skinny Bitch" several years ago. But then I revisited the topic in Kris Carr's "Crazy Sexy Diet." And you know what? It works. It clears out your system, you don't feel as heavy, you don't feel bloated, you actually feel F-ing great. After following Crazy Sexy for almost a year, I tried colon hydrotherapy and, honestly, my pipes were super clean, hardly clogged. For this reason alone - the incredible elimination of toxins from the body - I am a total believer in GREEN juice, veggies, green smoothies and beans and legumes. Every single day. (NOTE: I also don't eat a lot of meat or cheese - if at all - so maybe that's another reason why my intestines aren't inflamed and clogged. Again, I'm no nutritional expert, but once I began eating less animal products, my body responded with more... er, regularity... You know what I mean.)

5 - Water. I drink lots of it. WW suggests six 8-ounce glasses of water a day, but Kris Carr suggests at least half your body weight in ounces (so, for someone who's 150 pounds, that would be about 75 ounces, or just over nine 8-ounce glasses). One of my tricks is to keep two full reusable water glasses WITH STRAWS on my desk if I'm writing. I position one between me and the keyboard, between my wrists, so I can suck down water as I write. It looks silly - heck, it feels silly - but it works. Another trick, when you get an iced drink from Starbucks or wherever, is to refill that cup with water immediately after you're done and suck it down. Yes, you'll pee a lot, but it's good for you, I promise.

6 - Sleep. I go to bed around 10 pm and wake up between 6 and 7 am. This is AMAZING for a reformed insomniac night owl. I used to buy into the idea that sleep was for suckers and I longed to be more like Martha Stewart (who's rumored to only sleep 4 hours a night... and look how calm and sweet she is... HA!). But your body needs the deep detox and resting time of a good night's sleep to repair itself, regulate hormones and reset your system. Plus, when you're rested, you can make better choices for yourself during the day, both with your food and the kindness you choose to share with the world. It is easy to buy into the belief that we *have* to take care of a billion things before bed (for example, I prefer to pick up all the debris of my three kids and my life at night and wake up to a fairly clutter-free home), but seriously: it can wait. I have also stopped watching TV before bed because I fall asleep faster and have sweeter dreams when I get cozy and read instead. (Plus, I've read a bunch more since I've adopted this... and I know less about the Kardashians, which is certainly for the better.)

7 - The Hungry Girl. Lisa Lillien (aka "The Hungry Girl") is a master of weight-watching tips and tricks. Her website is jam-packed with slimmed-down versions of favorite foods and tips for eating at various restaurants and sooooo much more. Thanks to Hungry Girl, I can literally eat ANYTHING I want - that is, if I have a craving for a comfort food or a dessert or a mocha-coco-choco-latte supreme, I can look it up on her website and I usually can find a fabulous skinny-fied version. No, it will not taste like the full-fat real recipe, but I am no longer satisfied with being the full-fat version of myself either... Know what I mean? If you sign up for her e-newsletter, you'll get daily tips and tricks. I am a HUGE fan of her "growing oatmeal bowls" - for a girl who thought oatmeal was her enemy, it is a revelation to eat a tremendous bowl of yummy oats that keeps me going for hours.

8 - Green juices and smoothies. Here's where I veer from WW a little. I tend to get a fresh green juice (cucumber, kale, spinach, lemon, ginger, sometimes beets) a few times a week and I don't track its points. I know they don't have fiber, etc., but they make me feel FANTASTIC and are good for #4 of this list. I also drink at least one green smoothie each day (1 cup unsweetened almond milk, frozen banana, kale, spinach, cucumber, broccoli, carrot, a 1-point protein powder or powdered peanut butter). Maybe I'm wrong, but they make me feel like I GLOW! 

9 - Very limited oil. This is another area where I veer from WW. My husband is very tall and thin, but he has had high blood pressure in the past, so he was interested in Caldwell B. Esselstyn Jr.'s book about preventing heart disease (which we heard about in "Forks over Knives"). We were eating loads of nuts and using about a bottle of organic extra virgin olive oil each week when we got the book. After reading his book, we decided to try a more plant-based, minimal oil and nut diet. So, for example, instead of sauteing our evening veggies in olive oil, we now use low-sodium veggie broth. Yes, it's different, but we don't seem to miss the olive oil like we thought we would. Plus, I'm sure I get enough of it when I go out to eat. The amazing result of this experiment is that my skin has changed - it is no longer borderline oily and I have far fewer breakouts (if at all).

10 - Exercise. I go to a one-hour barre class several times a week that I love, but I also walk our dog for 15 minutes most mornings. I also park far away from store entrances so I can walk a little more. What I noticed about exercising during this process is that I seem to have avoided a common complaint of people who've lost a lot of weight: the "loose skin" syndrome (NOTE: ick!). My bones and joints aren't as strained since I've lost weight and I can see definition in my muscles (I'm fond of asking Raf, "Will you stop me if my arms start to look like Madonna's?"). It's funny to me that I have finally developed a love of exercise in my 40s. Who knew?

11 - A curious, honest mind. I started this journey as a kind of experiment. I figured trying something new couldn't be worse than what I was already doing, right? I've learned how to treat each meal and each snack as an adventure - how did that make my body feel? And now that I feel amazing, I don't want to go "back." Besides, after all I've learned, there *is* no "back" to return to. I'm so different now and those foods I ate unconsciously don't hold the same attraction to me now that I know what they're made of or how they're processed... and I can't un-know those things. If I choose to eat something that's not as good for me, it's my conscious choice.  I will take responsibility for it - I won't deny it or pretend it didn't happen or feel ashamed of my choice - and then I'll move on. 

I'm sorry for the looooong post again. I will finish out this topic with one more post on the emotional piece of weight loss/transformation in a day or two.  

One last bit of weight-loss advice: trust yourself. You're worth it. For all we know, we have only this one, precious life. Why not use it to see how powerful you really are, starting with your physical health?

My (So-Called) Organic Life

I recently read a book that changed my life.  Okay, so the change was about 10 years in the making, but when I read Crazy Sexy Diet by Kris Carr, it was like a lightbulb clicked on.  I bought the book on my Kindle, I was so excited to read it, and I finished it in two days, then ordered the hardcover version to keep in my kitchen.  I'm not saying it was the book itself that changed my life and I'm not even recommending that you read it, unless you are searching for a way to a more organic, veggie-based life.  

More than anything, I think I responded to the way Kris spoke to me in that book.  Like a good girlfriend calling me on my shit.  Saying, "Hey, you know that you are what you eat, but yet you still ignore labels on your food.  You still buy your produce in the grocery store without asking where it's grown or what pesticides and fertilizers are used.  You support big-box retailers blindly.  You eat meat and dairy without wondering about the care of the animals.  You put anti-aging creams on your face and use suncreens and shampoos that contain ingredients that are known to cause cancer.  And now that you know it, what are you gonna do?"

As I mentioned, this choice has been a long time coming.  When Marlowe was a toddler, she had a terrible skin rash, red bumps all over her body.  Her pediatrician said it was probably the laundry detergent, so immediately I changed to a fragrance-free option.  But that didn't seem like enough, so I sought out greener alternatives and my kids loved how much cleaner their laundry was.  I got rid of the bulk of our chemical cleaners and bought a big ol' bottle of vinegar. But when it came to the way we eat, I didn't want to rock the boat.  I chose to ignore a lot of information, thinking that the radical "green" activists were just lunatics.

Case in point: I had read the vegan manifesto "Skinny Bitch," and hated it.  The Che Guevara rebel pose of that book was off-putting, to say the least, although it lured readership with the words "skinny" and "bitch" (emphasis on the "bitch").  I think I actually threw the book away and drove to In-n-Out for a Double-Double.  But "Crazy Sexy Diet" approached me in a "you can do this, you can change your attitude about eating and living" sort of a way.  It made me feel like I could experiment with juicing and eating greener foods and just see how it made me feel.  I could tip-toe my way in.

And you know what? It feels great. I have not given up on a lot of things because I am only a month and a half into my "new" life; therefore, I still drink coffee (mostly fair trade and organic) with cream (organic), still eat fish occasionally, won't kill myself if I eat sugar (though it's tasting sweeter to me as my tastebuds change) or alcohol, still eat dairy (though I like buying organic, range-free eggs from local farms) and if it comes down to buying non-organic produce, I will (with a list of the "dirty dozen" in my purse).

The only thing is, now that the more I know about where our food and "health" products come from, the more challenging it is to live moderately.  What I mean is, I can't just pull the wool back over my eyes.  When I drink a frosty Diet Coke from a can - formerly my favorite beverage in all the land - I can't ignore the fact that it's been made from chemical sweeteners that cause both carb cravings (bad for a "diet" drink, no?) and cancer, and I also wonder about the aluminum can... where did it come from? How will it be recycled? 

Diet Coke is an easy one because I rarely drink it anymore, but when I checked out my cosmetics on Skin Deep, I was horrified.  I pride myself on my skin and am religious about my sunscreen and eye cream, but both of those (as well as my beloved anti-aging serum) are high in toxic ingredients... And what's a girl to do?  Give up on her youthful appearance to save the planet?  I'm being dramatic here, but my point is that my eyes are opened and I can't shut them. Acknowledging that I am still taking baby steps into this new lifestyle, I am going to do my best to find organic, vegan, cruelty-free alternatives to my favorite products.  

I won't go crazy with trying to get other people on my bandwagon, nor will I slap a Diet Coke out of a friend's hand - that's not at all who I am. In fact, from time to time, I may ask for a sip or a can of my own.  And I still drive an 8-year-old SUV, which I will keep until it dies and then I'll buy a more fuel-efficient car.  But being conscious makes me wary of lame articles like the one in Self Magazine's latest issue, "Detoxify Your Life," which suggests "easy" fixes for becoming more chemical-free.  I think we are far too accustomed to living the "easy" way.  It's okay to challenge ourselves to be more active participants in our health, from the way we eat to the way we clean.

I'm still experimenting, so I won't go all out and say I'm green or organic or vegan. But I feel radiant.  And that's where I wanna be.