Free at Last

Emme's perfect smile

There are some things that come naturally to parents: loving your kids; annoying other people with tales of your kids' beauty, smarts and cunning wit; witnessing each new development with a mixture of awe, pride and bittersweet nostalgia for where you've been together.

Serena's top braces came off, too

But when there are battles - and there will be battles, unfortunately - you have to pick the important ones. Again, some are easy: no, you may not wear those booty shorts to school or Um... Let's find a more appropriate dress for the bar mitzvah... I don't always want to be "right," per se, but sometimes I have to put in my two cents.

However, I hadn't expected a struggle with Emme over braces. 

Full disclosure: I never had braces. It's a good thing I had naturally straight teeth, too, because my brother's mouth was an orthodontist's gold mine. Still, I didn't love through the discomfort of years of orthodontic appliances, braces, expanders, rubber bands, altered speech and eating, etc., all of which my kids hold against me.

When they were little - and I mean tiny, like kindergarten - our orthodontist recommended two phases, to widen arches and then to straighten teeth. I was totally on board; Raf was unsure. It was sad to see kids with full metal in their mouths before they could even reject it, but I was sure it would pay off. Emme's teeth in 2nd grade were headed to Spongebob-ville and the early braces for 9 months warded off crooked teeth for her pre-teen years. 

So when it was time for Phase 2, she said, "My teeth are straight. I don't need braces." Raf agreed and I had a tough time convincing him to sign the contract with the orthodontist. Month after month - for nearly a year and a half - I have struggled with the whining, "When can I get them off?" (Serena and Marlowe had braces at the same time - and both are getting them off this summer, too - but they didn't have as tough a time with them.)

With our summer vacation looming ahead of us, Raf decided to ask if we could get the braces off before we left, instead of a month later as planned. I wasn't sure about messing with the plan... after all, I didn't go to school for straightening teeth... but once the doctor was on-board (and believe me, it has been a scheduling and logistic puzzle toting three kids on three different schedules to their appointments a half-hour away at the end of the school year), Emme was thrilled. 

That is, until she had to wear rubber bands 24/7 for three weeks to speed up the process. It was painful and she cried; Raf said he wouldn't have wanted to do it if he'd known it would be so painful. Emme mumbled something about how nice her teeth were before she'd gotten braces.

I threw my hands up, frustrated at trying to please everyone and ending up pleasing no one. But the fact is - and Emme's heard me say it so many times, she's over it - I'm grateful for the braces and for having the means to give our daughters beautiful smiles and to avoid dental problems later in their lives. When they look at their gorgeous school pictures and wedding photos, they'll see why I was so adamant about braces. 

"You'll thank me on your wedding day," I'd say and she'd roll her eyes. 

Anyway, when Emme got her braces off last week, she couldn't stop smiling. I caught her looking in the mirror and she turned to me, saying those golden words a mother loves to hear. 

"Yes," she smiled. "You were right. Thank you."

And this time, being right felt really good.

Depleted

My family is sick lately.

We’re not usually sick – we get regular flu shots and for the most part, we’re all rather healthy, even in the middle of flu and cold season. No one has severe allergies or any sort of “-itis” or medical condition. We’re really lucky like that.

But something shifted late last week.

My younger daughter has been a little out-of-sorts, crying, upset. My middle daughter collapsed from a mild case of heat stroke on a Sunday hike (she’s fine, thankfully, just needed a lot of R&R and water) and missed most of her classes on Monday.  My oldest daughter, already in pain from the final rigorous phase of her last month of wearing braces, felt like she was going to black out this morning and collapsed into a catatonic heap on my bed before school.

I wondered aloud to my husband, What is going on?

He didn't have to answer. I feel it, too.

We’re depleted, plain and simple. Depleted of the energy required to go through the motions of a regular schedule. Sick of waking up early and running and working all day long, only to have hours of homework after school (when they should be outside, playing, enjoying the real, natural world). Ready for the unstructured freedom of summer.

What is it about the sun that makes our minds wander?

At the start of every school year – or, really, a month into it, around October – we’re ready for the structure and discipline of winter. It seems as though the cold weather inspires a nose-to-the-grindstone attitude, followed by the rewards of winter holidays and New Year celebrations. And just past the new year, we have a plethora of faux-holiday days off that keep our stamina up. But after Spring Break, it’s all about the last few months of school, the “final push before summer.”

But still, I hate it.

This morning after I dropped Serena off at school, I watched Emme sleeping in her bed, mouth open slightly, dreaming, her braces enjoying their final weeks in her mouth.

It won’t always be like this, a voice inside my head admonished. Someday in the very near future, my little ducklings will have to finish up their little lives here with me and go off in search of their own paths. And at that time, will any of this rigor matter? What will missed homework and sick days and even school itself mean?

Again, I know the answer. 

Not much.

Watching Emme sleep, I recognized the trap we fall into, believing that we have to do this, or we have to do that. And I was a junkie for good grades and being the best at my job, etc. Just last night (and again this morning on the way to school), I lectured Serena on not falling behind in homework because the due date is several days away (and other homework tends to pile up, on top of it). To tell the truth, I got sick of hearing my own voice lecturing, mostly because I don’t get the point of so much homework.

Is it just me? Or are you feeling depleted too??

End of Summer

One of the only "up" sides to the end of summer (which happens in autumn here in SoCal, which is why I'm mentioning it in late October) was finally draining our Shrek-green saltwater pool so we could have the surfaces acid-washed and start fresh. I couldn't wait to get it drained, get it cleaned, and get sparkling new water in it. 

But the girls could have kept it empty for much, much longer.

Kids Say the Darndest Things

One of the best parts of being a parent is overhearing your child recite or sing something they've heard but they get the words all wrong.  Like this one, which Marlowe was shouting out the car window yesterday...

U-G-L-Y

You ain't got my ice cream pie

You're ugly

Ooh - ooh

You're ugly

The Summer of Marlowe

Raf and Marlowe haven’t always been the best of buddies.  She has the propensity to be stubborn and immovable, demanding and irrational.  Raf is easygoing and flexible, willing to listen and more rational than most people in the world.  Many times, their interactions have ended in raised voices and impasses.  More often than not, Raf (and the rest of our family) will leave the room saying, “Geez!  Marlowe!” while she simmers on the couch.

Before school let out, someone suggested to Raf that he try to spend more time with her, alone, and see what happens.  Almost as though she sensed this, Marlowe simultaneously began to beg for him to teach her to surf.  She started to spend more and more time in the water with him, in the pool and at the beach.  To watch the two of them wrestle and tumble in the water together, you’d never guess that the first half of her life was spent as my pet, my little partner in crime.  She is becoming a total daddy’s girl, like the other two, and I’m all for it.

In Maui, she was joined at her dad's hip in the water, leaping on his back in the pool and grabbing his hand to go snorkeling by the shore.  And he was extremely receptive to it, understanding that her passion for the water might be fueled by his passion for the water. 

“She’s such a natural,” he's said, referring to the way she grabs a wave when bodysurfing or boogie boarding.  “And she’s not even 7 yet.  Imagine when she’s older…” and then his eyes get glassy, imagining her as one of those awesome bikini-clad pro surfer girls who lives to surf and gets paid to do it.  A year ago, I don’t know if I would have seen the same thing, but a week in Maui has changed my mind and allowed me to set aside my dreams of having a famous chef in our family. 

More than anything, I like seeing them together, enjoying each other.  There’s a bond between a girl and her dad that is unlike anything else and now, finally, they both get it.  And I’m grateful to be on the sidelines of this one, to witness and document it, revel in its sweetness, reap the benefits of the big reward. 

Passages

It's always interesting to me that I think about upcoming life passages so far in advance that I can forget about them and they will still surprise me when they happen.  For instance, when all of the kids were babies, I had thought, "When Marlowe's about 5, Serena will be 8 and Emme will be 9, so that would be a good time to go to Europe."  And now it's been nearly a year since we went... POOF!  Like a dream, the year has passed.

Similarly, when Marlowe was born, I had dreamed of the days when she would be in school with her sisters.  As a mom of three, I was excited that there would be 2 solid years when all three kids were at the same school.  Somehow, life kept me distracted and I was brushing my teeth the other night and realized that those 2 years are now coming to a close. In just over 2 weeks, Emme will be done with elementary school and she and Marlowe will never be at the same school again.  Sure, Mar will have Nina nearby, but it's not the same as Marlowe having her oldest sister with her.  For a 1st grader, it's been a big deal for her friends to see her hugging and hanging out with 5th grade girls.  For Emme, it's a chance to have someone look up to her in a real way; Serena is so close in age to Emme that she scoffs at Emme's authority, but Marlowe doesn't.  I had been so focused on Emme's passage into a new chapter that I nearly missed out on Marlowe's.  And my own, as a mom with "older" kids (meaning: not babies).

Life happens when you least expect it, doesn't it?  I suppose it's one of the things I like most about it.  The surprise, even after all these years.

Giving 'Em What They Deserve

Pool slide, 3 trampolines and a tree-house 

This is my backyard - or, at least, the very kid-friendly part of it at the back.  There's a pool slide, three trampolines (one for each kid, and they alternately share and fight over them) and, as of yesterday, the beginnings of a tree house/fort in the big pine tree that shades us.  It is fairly spectacular for kids and, in some ways, it makes me a little envious.

Sand surfing at Zuma

I've heard this sentiment from other parents from time to time, too: Why, if I had had just a fraction of the stuff my kids have, I'd never complain!  Or My parents would never have gotten this for me, [insert kid's name], aren't you lucky?

Well, yeah, they are lucky.  But, as I've said before, maybe they deserve it.  I'm not talking about giving a kid every single thing in the world that they want, building up an annoying sense of entitlement.  No way, that's not it at all.  I'm only suggesting that, if you can give something special to your child that you know (s)he really wants, why not?

Emme's first riding lesson

I listened to a phenomenal podcast from This American Life yesterday about the love between a parent and child, and the chilling life-long effects of children who do NOT have an attached bond to their parent when they are babies.  I won't do the podcast justice here - you'll have to listen for yourself - but there was one story of a Romanian orphan who'd lived in a crib (only getting out of it to go to the bathroom or to eat), never going outside, and sharing the crib with another child for 7 1/2 years! That fact alone made me want to cry, but when this boy finally was adopted by a couple from the midwest, he had severe problems that stemmed from his inability to bond with other people.  He would hurt his mother and smile and lived in a state of complete hatred that, if he'd had a "normal" conscience, would have consumed him.  But he could not feel empathy, and therefore he could inflict pain on others without feeling anything. The huge breakthrough treatment for this 10-year-old child - whose parents had used mental illness professionals and medication to try to help him, and had had to hire a bodyguard at one point to keep him from hurting his mother - was to simulate the infant bonding experience.  And so for 8 weeks, the mother and son were required to be within 3 feet of each other at all times (except when using the bathroom and sleeping), and to make complete eye contact during any interaction.  His "punishment," if he didn't make eye contact or said mean things, for example, was to sit next to his mother on the couch and be hugged for an extended period of time.  And, after about 3 weeks, it began to work. I didn't finish listening to the podcast, so I'll have to make sure that everything worked out well - sometimes This American Life surprises me with its endings - but this bit alone was enough for me to chew on.


I feel guilty about "not doing enough" for my girls from time to time.  But, after listening to this, I remembered that they were so well loved as babies and are so hugged and cherished on a daily basis - loved so much that I am perhaps too strict with them about their friends and behavior, because I want for them to be citizens of the world rather than self-important Valley girls or aloof, indulged American kids.  After all is said and done, though, they are good people.  Good enough for a tree house and a trampoline and a pool slide... and all the hugs and kisses that Raf and I can give them.