Free at Last

Emme's perfect smile

There are some things that come naturally to parents: loving your kids; annoying other people with tales of your kids' beauty, smarts and cunning wit; witnessing each new development with a mixture of awe, pride and bittersweet nostalgia for where you've been together.

Serena's top braces came off, too

But when there are battles - and there will be battles, unfortunately - you have to pick the important ones. Again, some are easy: no, you may not wear those booty shorts to school or Um... Let's find a more appropriate dress for the bar mitzvah... I don't always want to be "right," per se, but sometimes I have to put in my two cents.

However, I hadn't expected a struggle with Emme over braces. 

Full disclosure: I never had braces. It's a good thing I had naturally straight teeth, too, because my brother's mouth was an orthodontist's gold mine. Still, I didn't love through the discomfort of years of orthodontic appliances, braces, expanders, rubber bands, altered speech and eating, etc., all of which my kids hold against me.

When they were little - and I mean tiny, like kindergarten - our orthodontist recommended two phases, to widen arches and then to straighten teeth. I was totally on board; Raf was unsure. It was sad to see kids with full metal in their mouths before they could even reject it, but I was sure it would pay off. Emme's teeth in 2nd grade were headed to Spongebob-ville and the early braces for 9 months warded off crooked teeth for her pre-teen years. 

So when it was time for Phase 2, she said, "My teeth are straight. I don't need braces." Raf agreed and I had a tough time convincing him to sign the contract with the orthodontist. Month after month - for nearly a year and a half - I have struggled with the whining, "When can I get them off?" (Serena and Marlowe had braces at the same time - and both are getting them off this summer, too - but they didn't have as tough a time with them.)

With our summer vacation looming ahead of us, Raf decided to ask if we could get the braces off before we left, instead of a month later as planned. I wasn't sure about messing with the plan... after all, I didn't go to school for straightening teeth... but once the doctor was on-board (and believe me, it has been a scheduling and logistic puzzle toting three kids on three different schedules to their appointments a half-hour away at the end of the school year), Emme was thrilled. 

That is, until she had to wear rubber bands 24/7 for three weeks to speed up the process. It was painful and she cried; Raf said he wouldn't have wanted to do it if he'd known it would be so painful. Emme mumbled something about how nice her teeth were before she'd gotten braces.

I threw my hands up, frustrated at trying to please everyone and ending up pleasing no one. But the fact is - and Emme's heard me say it so many times, she's over it - I'm grateful for the braces and for having the means to give our daughters beautiful smiles and to avoid dental problems later in their lives. When they look at their gorgeous school pictures and wedding photos, they'll see why I was so adamant about braces. 

"You'll thank me on your wedding day," I'd say and she'd roll her eyes. 

Anyway, when Emme got her braces off last week, she couldn't stop smiling. I caught her looking in the mirror and she turned to me, saying those golden words a mother loves to hear. 

"Yes," she smiled. "You were right. Thank you."

And this time, being right felt really good.

Depleted

My family is sick lately.

We’re not usually sick – we get regular flu shots and for the most part, we’re all rather healthy, even in the middle of flu and cold season. No one has severe allergies or any sort of “-itis” or medical condition. We’re really lucky like that.

But something shifted late last week.

My younger daughter has been a little out-of-sorts, crying, upset. My middle daughter collapsed from a mild case of heat stroke on a Sunday hike (she’s fine, thankfully, just needed a lot of R&R and water) and missed most of her classes on Monday.  My oldest daughter, already in pain from the final rigorous phase of her last month of wearing braces, felt like she was going to black out this morning and collapsed into a catatonic heap on my bed before school.

I wondered aloud to my husband, What is going on?

He didn't have to answer. I feel it, too.

We’re depleted, plain and simple. Depleted of the energy required to go through the motions of a regular schedule. Sick of waking up early and running and working all day long, only to have hours of homework after school (when they should be outside, playing, enjoying the real, natural world). Ready for the unstructured freedom of summer.

What is it about the sun that makes our minds wander?

At the start of every school year – or, really, a month into it, around October – we’re ready for the structure and discipline of winter. It seems as though the cold weather inspires a nose-to-the-grindstone attitude, followed by the rewards of winter holidays and New Year celebrations. And just past the new year, we have a plethora of faux-holiday days off that keep our stamina up. But after Spring Break, it’s all about the last few months of school, the “final push before summer.”

But still, I hate it.

This morning after I dropped Serena off at school, I watched Emme sleeping in her bed, mouth open slightly, dreaming, her braces enjoying their final weeks in her mouth.

It won’t always be like this, a voice inside my head admonished. Someday in the very near future, my little ducklings will have to finish up their little lives here with me and go off in search of their own paths. And at that time, will any of this rigor matter? What will missed homework and sick days and even school itself mean?

Again, I know the answer. 

Not much.

Watching Emme sleep, I recognized the trap we fall into, believing that we have to do this, or we have to do that. And I was a junkie for good grades and being the best at my job, etc. Just last night (and again this morning on the way to school), I lectured Serena on not falling behind in homework because the due date is several days away (and other homework tends to pile up, on top of it). To tell the truth, I got sick of hearing my own voice lecturing, mostly because I don’t get the point of so much homework.

Is it just me? Or are you feeling depleted too??

The Honor System

In honor of Halloween, I'm posting this very scary picture, taken two years ago. No, it's not a cute costume or a trick-or-treater or a spookily decorated house. This is what happens when two moms see an "honor system" candy bowl and no one's around to say, "Hey! You're too old to trick or treat!"

And tonight, when the moon is full and my little goblins are out scaring the candy away from unsuspecting neighbors, I will keep my eyes peeled for more unattended candy cauldrons... If you see any with Reese's peanut butter cups or Junior Mints, let me know...

We Can Be Heroes

Emme and I saw "The Perks of Being a Wallflower" together today. Frankly, I was a little nervous about taking my 12-year-old to a teen coming-of-age movie - I've also had reservations about allowing her to see certain parts of "Moonrise Kingdom," so maybe I'm just overprotective - but it turned out to be an incredible moment of understanding for both us.

The movie is based on a bestselling novel by Stephen Chbosky and explores the "dizzying highs and crushing lows" of growing up (text from the film website). But it's so much more, in the same way that "The Breakfast Club" and "Garden State" and even "The Big Chill" were much more than the sum of their celluloid frames. Within its quiet joys and even quieter heartbreaks, "Perks" said so much to me about my own life and the girl I was in high school, in part because it's set in the late 80s/early 90s and is filled with music I loved (the Smiths, David Bowie, even Camper van Beethoven).

Seeing it with Emme felt like a full-circle moment. On one level, I understood the characters and their struggles because I lived in their world at one time and was influenced by the same culture and music. But Emme understood them just as intimately, because she observes the same desires in herself and her friends: the need for love and acknowledgement and acceptance. And, maybe we even share the same questions, right now: Will I be okay? Will I make it through? Am I good enough to be loved in the way I want to be loved, fully and without judgment?

It reminded me that we are not actually the same age as our last birthday. We are *every* age we've ever been, made up of every moment we've ever had, and even though we can never go back, sometimes we can touch our fingertips to those younger selves and make contact.

And in that moment, I swear we were infinite.

- Stephen Chbosky

Kids Say the Darndest Things

One of the best parts of being a parent is overhearing your child recite or sing something they've heard but they get the words all wrong.  Like this one, which Marlowe was shouting out the car window yesterday...

U-G-L-Y

You ain't got my ice cream pie

You're ugly

Ooh - ooh

You're ugly